Five Years

Anniversary

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Infertile

*Disclaimer* Long and possibly boring post without any pictures.  You've been warned.

I don't like that word.  And I don't believe it at all describes me.  Yet...my history would tell you otherwise.

Darren and I have been married for 3 1/2 years now.  I know what you're thinking...that's not very long.  You guys are practically still newlyweds.  You're so young, you've got plenty of time to start a family.  Well, that's all good and would be true, if we hadn't of already been trying to start a family for over 2 years now.

2 years.  25 months to be exact.  25 days filled with a big ol' NEGATIVE.  6 of those negatives came from treatment.  So, yes we are practically newly weds.  And yes we are still young.  Sure we still have plenty of time to start a family.  But that doesn't seem to be happening.

I've been going back and forth a lot about writing this post.  Which is strange...because if you were to ask me about all this, I'd give you my life story.  I'm pretty much an open book.  You want to know what we're doing?  I'll tell you.  I'll tell you probably more than you care to hear about.  Ever heard of TMI? That's me sometimes.  Sorry...  But that's the thing.  I'll tell you exactly what we're doing.  I'll explain all the tests I've had done.  I'll tell you how many shots I've given myself (I'm becoming a pro!), how many IUI's we've done, etc.  I'll tell you any of that.  Because none of that has to do with how I feel.  You bring that up, I smile and say "I'm fine.  It'll happen, I'm not worried."  Which is mostly true.  Most days, I'm not worried.  Deep down, I know we'll have children of our own.  Just on those occasional rainy days, I'm convinced it'll never happen and we'll live in a big empty house for the rest of our lives.  I think about the fact that had I of gotten pregnant on the first try like everyone else and their dog, I'd have a 14 month old.  I don't like rainy days.  Luckily those days aren't too frequent.

When Darren and I got married, we discussed when to start a family.  My heart wanted to start right away, but we discussed it together and agreed that we'd wait a year.  I am grateful for that.  That first year of marriage was wonderful and challenging.  It was exactly what Darren and I needed.  We grew together and learned a lot about marriage.  I'm grateful for that time that my only focus was Darren.  After a year and a half of marriage, we decided to start 'trying'.  I remember planning the future.  I'd think "I'm going to be pregnant during Girls Camp.  I hope I'm not sick!"  But then Girls Camp came and went.  Then I'd think "We're going to Vegas for Thanksgiving.  I should be pregnant by then and we can tell his whole family."  I used to get excited to take a pregnancy test.  That didn't last very long.  I honestly think the last test I took was March of 2012.

Our first visit with the fertility specialist was in Sept of 2012.  We did our first round of treatment 2 months later in November.  We've done 6 treatments, each one slightly different than the other.  Luckily the fertility drugs haven't affected me like I've heard they can.  I haven't gotten all emotional and hormonal (at least... I don't think I have...).  Now they just need to work...

The reason I don't like the word infertile is because I don't believe I am.  Yes, generally after 1 year of trying, that's the label you get.  I'm well past that.  But deep down, I don't really think anything is WRONG.  We might need a little help from the doctors, but it will happen.  I don't feel this is going to be a battle we have every kid.  I honestly feel once we have our first, the rest will come easy.  Maybe that's just wishful thinking though. I honestly never thought we'd end up at a fertility doctor in the first place.

One day I'll be a mom.  And Darren will be a wonderful dad.  Until then...just let me keep stealing your cute babies in church and I'll be alright..  That helps those rainy days go away.  I know I will be a mother and I look forward to that day.  And I am trying so very hard to be patient...  This is our trial and we can handle it.  But we're ready whenever you are, Heavenly Father ;)

4 comments:

Little Beachs said...

Your baby just isn't ready yet. He is making you wait for the perfect moment!

Austin and Chelsie said...

You're amazing Emily. I love your optimism. You will both be such great parents!!! :)

Mary said...

It will all be worth it when you see your beautiful and prefect baby

Samantha and Daniel Phillips said...

I loved this post, Emily. You are absolutely right, you know you- we have built in intuition- which grows into "Mothers intuition."
You are amazing, I love your patience, faith, understanding of Heavenly Fathers timing and plan for us, and your optimism. Both Darren and you will be amazing parents. :)